What a fuckingly depressing day.
They say evil tempts us more than the essence of goodness. I dont know about that, but right at this moment i couldnt agree more. My mind is in turmoil and somehow some people cant stop bitching about my obvious mistakes. I dont need your preaches, old farts.
I’m impressed by how emo i am right now.
I have so much shit to do but my stupid body cant take the pressure even if my ego can. If i could, i’d discarded this body and search for something like a triathlon sportswoman.
Come on, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOU, EVIL?
Entertain me if you can.
Bullshit. I really in a dire need of money. Everytime i ask money from my ‘bosses’ they gave me this kind of condemning look like ‘where’s the money that i gave you last week?’
Wow. dont tell me you guys werent expecting that sending me to LKW would cost this much?
Somehow i cant stop blaming myself to the point its driving me nuts. Blaming myself that I often ask for money even if its for school works. Blaming myself that my frail body cant take what it takes to burn the midnight oil. Yeah, shit no doubt it’s my fault for not taking care of myself. Often i entertain myself with indulging myself with alcohol and smoking, it’s like i dont care what will happen if i do that.
Imagine if i’m dead. I wonder how many tears will be shed for me. And just how many people will be missing me. Or rejoicing it.
I’m not even sure whether i fuckingly care about it or not.
I’m waiting for a friend to take me out for a nick and get me out from this suffocating hole.
Lebat, what have happened to to you? You used to be so strong. And now you’ve started to doubt and question the power of His which you used to root your unbreakable faith in.
Isnin, 9 Mac 2009
new year
26.12.2008
CHIKUSHO. CHIKUSHO. CHIKUSHO.
A good day for celebrating the festive season huh? Merry-making, jollying around. Such a perfect day for my dear kitten to die. Now i know the ill consequence if i start to get close with something or someone. Ang giving them nicknames or pet name would always make it worse.
See, i have this really adorable orange kitten which i called Hitsugaya (i love Hitsugaya Toushirou, the ‘jyuuban ban taichou’ in Bleach)
See, i have 3 more kittens which i named Ichigo, Zaraki and Renji (but since none of them resemble the Bleach’s characters, i dont love them as much as i endeared Hitsugaya).
Then my cousin’s family came and accidentally kicked the poor fella. Then my BIG auntie came and STEPPED on it. Fucking funny huh. And that poor fella is as big as my palm and as light as a half of my Tropicana red cap. Hours later, the kitten couldnt move.
I dont know what to feel cuz i used to brag that i’m quite an ignoramus and if something bad happen, i’m the usually the one who could still maintain a straight face.
I wanted to cry so badly, but my rough side said heck, it’s just a kitten. So what, right.
I laid my hands on the kitten n prayed, hoping for some miracle, even for this Christmas. Thinking back that the Lord Jesus was born on this day in a manger, laying there hopelessly and so vulnerable. (yeah, i know Jesus was born somewhere in the middle of March till April actually. 25 Dec is actually the worship day of the Sun by some stupid ancient citizens). Then i thought, the situation was about the same as my dear Hitsugaya. Both were babies and so vulnerable. Even little things could result the babies to deaths. So maybe God would heal it. After all, its His creation anyway.
Or maybe He didnt listen to my prayer since the life or death of the kitten would not make any significant change to my life, so it doesnt matter if He take away its life right?
But then... nothing happened. I couldnt remember the last time i prayed so desperately hoping that He would miraculously give my dearest strength to give even a little meow. (I hate when i get so troubled over things like this. But what can I do. I sometimes value the lives of cats and human are of equal). All i saw was it laying there, couldnt even move a milimetre and opening n closing its little mouth, gasping for something. I remembered the day when my great grandma died in front of me. She gasped the same way too. But in the more creepy way.
You know my mind is in a turmoil right now by the disorganization of my blog. Cuz i’m just writing down what’s crossing my mind right now.
I wanted to change. To see things in God’s point of view, including the death of my Hitsugaya. Shit, i shouldnt cry for something like this. But I cried. And am still crying anyway. Feeling sorry for my own self, desperately building tall walls which surround me like a solid denial, wanting to cage away my own insecurities and uncertainties of life. I’m not sure whether God is answering my prayer. I’m so sad that our once so-close relationship has turned out to be like this. It’s my fault, I know, cuz it has never beeen Yours, to start off with.
I’m having a real hard time to deal with this alone because I cant find the right person to talk to. The JUST right person. A pastor maybe. Youth leader perhaps. God maybe. But I’m having a hard time listening to Him so might as well i chose the former two options.
I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CHANGE. Enough with the walls. The denial. The insecurities and uncertainties. The stupid ways I try to hold on to to temporarily forget the things that I’m going through, like flirting, for instance. Enough with the tough act. Enough with being ignorant.
I want to be more refined. More humble. More open in accepting my own feelings. More gentle. More rational and matured in thinking. More adapt to listen to His voice like I did 3 years ago. I want to see the good and positive side of people instead of gossiping behind their backs. I want to love people more. I want to be an optimist, keep relying on the truth that God indeed is omnipotent and omniscient. To be more skillful in handling things and my emotions.
I WANT TO BE THE BEST THAT GOD WANTS ME TO BE. Because to be better is SO not enough.
Okay. I feel better now. If God wants to take Hotsugaya’s life, so be it. He gives and take away anyway.
27.12.08
I was observing my big student bible which my parents gave me a couple of weeks after my water baptism year 2005. A smile was hinted on my lips when I see a lot of cute little animes i’ve drawn on the pages with quotations on top each one of them. It was my very first personal bible so heck, who cares what I did and do to it anyway.
If I have the power to turn back time, I would really want to go back to my form 4 life. The magical year for me, the turning point of my life. So a lot of inspirational words popped out (thanks to The Author).
The very first page of my bible - it was full of scribbles and collages of animes, Japanese and Korean artists. Hm... not so... biblical huh. Watever. So, these are what I’ve scribbled:
1. “Walk in proclamation of who Jesus is – Healer, Deliverer, Saviour... =)”;
2. “Jesus is the God of miracles! God uses unlikely people to fulfills divine destiny” – yeah, take Moses for instance. He was a murderer and yet he’s the one God chose to lead His people to the promised land.
3. “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) “We are called to believe and suffer”. – sounds... cool and ‘gaok’ huh? Haha
4. “I will shout Jesus’s fame!” – I love this one. So cool.
5. SIBKL THEME FOR 2007 – “Reproducing Christ’s DNA”
6. “Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves – Jesus”
7. “Since the day i left home I’ve carried my cross, running to the ends of earth for Jesus, I’ve shared in the sufferings of my Lord, proclaiming the gospel thru the eyes of tears, many times throught the wind and rain, tears have fallen down my cheeks, many things burden my heart but Jesus’s love keeps leading me, His love and grace encourage me, keeping me perfectly from day to day” – this is an excerpt that I took from Brother Yu’s testimony (i think) from this book. Forgot the title.
8. “revival looks like you and your story”
9. “I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker...? For i am the Lord your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar- the Lord Almighty is His Name. (Isaiah 51:12-16)” “Relax. God is in charge of everything” – But most of the time, I CANT relax at all. My bad. Hahaha
10. “God wants variable kinds of fish.” – sure u guys dont understand this. Well, we’re called to be fishers of men right. So its not godly to just love and care for your own clan or race or gang. That’s no different from the ancient tax collectors. Well, those who dont understand... xpala. Only those who read Bible understand. Ahahahha, true bha!
11. “Got Jesus? It would be hell without Him”. – This one by far is the coolest. Not that I said that the Bible’s phrases arent as important though. This phrase was printed on a T-shirt of a male camper when I was in a Youth camp at Kem Permai. The “Got Jesus?” was printed on the right sleeve with a palmprint printed at the bottom of it and “It would be hell without Him” printed at the back of the shirt. If I’m not mistaken. Hmm...
Well, a lot of other pages have collages on them cuma malas mok explain memanjang. But these are my favourite quotes:
1. It takes the storm to prove the rwla shelter.
2. Grace is free, but God has to pay for it.
3. Dont limit God by our own limitations.
4. If you’ve seen God’s holiness, faith is effortless.
5. Spend the night under the shadow of His wings. The darker it gets, the longer the shadow will covers you.
And there is this one beautiful piece of poem which a Singaporean sister wrote just after her mysterious death in the 1970-s. Got it from an old book.
“You said You’d come and share all my sorrows
You said You’d be there for all my tomorrows
I came so close to sending You away
But just like You promised
You came here to stay
I just have to pray
And Jesus said, “Come to the water
Stand by My side
I know You are thirsty
You wont be denied.
I felt every tear drop
When i darkness you cried
And i strove to remind you
That for those tears I died.”
Your goodness so great i cant understand
And dear Lord, i know that all this was planned.
I know You are here now and always will be.
Your love loosed my chains
And in You I am free
But why me?
Jesus, I give You my heart and my soul
I know now without God I’d never be whole
Saviour, You opened all the right doors
And i thank You and praise You
From this earth’s humble shores
Take me, I’m Yours.”
27.12.08
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FELLAS!!!!!!
Paul Harvey tells a modern parable about a religious skeptic who worked a s a farmer. One raw winter night the man heard an irregular thumping against the kitchen storm door. He went to a window and watched as tiny, shivering sparrows, attracted to the evident warmth inside, beat in vain against the glass.
Touched, the farmer bundled up and trudged through fresh snow to open the barn door for the struggling birds. He turned on the lights and tossed some hay in the corner. But the sparrows, which had scattered in all directions when he emerged from the house, hid in the darkness, afraid.
The man tried various tactics to get them into the barn. He laid down a trail of Saltine cracker crumbs to direct them. He tried circling behind the birds to drive them toward the barn. Nothing worked. He, a huge alien creature, had terrified them; the birds couldnt comprehend that he actually desired to help them.
The farmer withdrew to his house and watched the doomed sparrows through a window. As he stared, a thought hit: “If only i could become a bird – one of them – just for a moment. Then i wouldnt frighten them so. I could show them the way to warmth and safety.”
At the same moment, another thought dawned on him. He had grapsed the reason Jesus was born.
HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!
CHIKUSHO. CHIKUSHO. CHIKUSHO.
A good day for celebrating the festive season huh? Merry-making, jollying around. Such a perfect day for my dear kitten to die. Now i know the ill consequence if i start to get close with something or someone. Ang giving them nicknames or pet name would always make it worse.
See, i have this really adorable orange kitten which i called Hitsugaya (i love Hitsugaya Toushirou, the ‘jyuuban ban taichou’ in Bleach)
See, i have 3 more kittens which i named Ichigo, Zaraki and Renji (but since none of them resemble the Bleach’s characters, i dont love them as much as i endeared Hitsugaya).
Then my cousin’s family came and accidentally kicked the poor fella. Then my BIG auntie came and STEPPED on it. Fucking funny huh. And that poor fella is as big as my palm and as light as a half of my Tropicana red cap. Hours later, the kitten couldnt move.
I dont know what to feel cuz i used to brag that i’m quite an ignoramus and if something bad happen, i’m the usually the one who could still maintain a straight face.
I wanted to cry so badly, but my rough side said heck, it’s just a kitten. So what, right.
I laid my hands on the kitten n prayed, hoping for some miracle, even for this Christmas. Thinking back that the Lord Jesus was born on this day in a manger, laying there hopelessly and so vulnerable. (yeah, i know Jesus was born somewhere in the middle of March till April actually. 25 Dec is actually the worship day of the Sun by some stupid ancient citizens). Then i thought, the situation was about the same as my dear Hitsugaya. Both were babies and so vulnerable. Even little things could result the babies to deaths. So maybe God would heal it. After all, its His creation anyway.
Or maybe He didnt listen to my prayer since the life or death of the kitten would not make any significant change to my life, so it doesnt matter if He take away its life right?
But then... nothing happened. I couldnt remember the last time i prayed so desperately hoping that He would miraculously give my dearest strength to give even a little meow. (I hate when i get so troubled over things like this. But what can I do. I sometimes value the lives of cats and human are of equal). All i saw was it laying there, couldnt even move a milimetre and opening n closing its little mouth, gasping for something. I remembered the day when my great grandma died in front of me. She gasped the same way too. But in the more creepy way.
You know my mind is in a turmoil right now by the disorganization of my blog. Cuz i’m just writing down what’s crossing my mind right now.
I wanted to change. To see things in God’s point of view, including the death of my Hitsugaya. Shit, i shouldnt cry for something like this. But I cried. And am still crying anyway. Feeling sorry for my own self, desperately building tall walls which surround me like a solid denial, wanting to cage away my own insecurities and uncertainties of life. I’m not sure whether God is answering my prayer. I’m so sad that our once so-close relationship has turned out to be like this. It’s my fault, I know, cuz it has never beeen Yours, to start off with.
I’m having a real hard time to deal with this alone because I cant find the right person to talk to. The JUST right person. A pastor maybe. Youth leader perhaps. God maybe. But I’m having a hard time listening to Him so might as well i chose the former two options.
I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CHANGE. Enough with the walls. The denial. The insecurities and uncertainties. The stupid ways I try to hold on to to temporarily forget the things that I’m going through, like flirting, for instance. Enough with the tough act. Enough with being ignorant.
I want to be more refined. More humble. More open in accepting my own feelings. More gentle. More rational and matured in thinking. More adapt to listen to His voice like I did 3 years ago. I want to see the good and positive side of people instead of gossiping behind their backs. I want to love people more. I want to be an optimist, keep relying on the truth that God indeed is omnipotent and omniscient. To be more skillful in handling things and my emotions.
I WANT TO BE THE BEST THAT GOD WANTS ME TO BE. Because to be better is SO not enough.
Okay. I feel better now. If God wants to take Hotsugaya’s life, so be it. He gives and take away anyway.
27.12.08
I was observing my big student bible which my parents gave me a couple of weeks after my water baptism year 2005. A smile was hinted on my lips when I see a lot of cute little animes i’ve drawn on the pages with quotations on top each one of them. It was my very first personal bible so heck, who cares what I did and do to it anyway.
If I have the power to turn back time, I would really want to go back to my form 4 life. The magical year for me, the turning point of my life. So a lot of inspirational words popped out (thanks to The Author).
The very first page of my bible - it was full of scribbles and collages of animes, Japanese and Korean artists. Hm... not so... biblical huh. Watever. So, these are what I’ve scribbled:
1. “Walk in proclamation of who Jesus is – Healer, Deliverer, Saviour... =)”;
2. “Jesus is the God of miracles! God uses unlikely people to fulfills divine destiny” – yeah, take Moses for instance. He was a murderer and yet he’s the one God chose to lead His people to the promised land.
3. “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) “We are called to believe and suffer”. – sounds... cool and ‘gaok’ huh? Haha
4. “I will shout Jesus’s fame!” – I love this one. So cool.
5. SIBKL THEME FOR 2007 – “Reproducing Christ’s DNA”
6. “Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves – Jesus”
7. “Since the day i left home I’ve carried my cross, running to the ends of earth for Jesus, I’ve shared in the sufferings of my Lord, proclaiming the gospel thru the eyes of tears, many times throught the wind and rain, tears have fallen down my cheeks, many things burden my heart but Jesus’s love keeps leading me, His love and grace encourage me, keeping me perfectly from day to day” – this is an excerpt that I took from Brother Yu’s testimony (i think) from this book. Forgot the title.
8. “revival looks like you and your story”
9. “I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker...? For i am the Lord your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar- the Lord Almighty is His Name. (Isaiah 51:12-16)” “Relax. God is in charge of everything” – But most of the time, I CANT relax at all. My bad. Hahaha
10. “God wants variable kinds of fish.” – sure u guys dont understand this. Well, we’re called to be fishers of men right. So its not godly to just love and care for your own clan or race or gang. That’s no different from the ancient tax collectors. Well, those who dont understand... xpala. Only those who read Bible understand. Ahahahha, true bha!
11. “Got Jesus? It would be hell without Him”. – This one by far is the coolest. Not that I said that the Bible’s phrases arent as important though. This phrase was printed on a T-shirt of a male camper when I was in a Youth camp at Kem Permai. The “Got Jesus?” was printed on the right sleeve with a palmprint printed at the bottom of it and “It would be hell without Him” printed at the back of the shirt. If I’m not mistaken. Hmm...
Well, a lot of other pages have collages on them cuma malas mok explain memanjang. But these are my favourite quotes:
1. It takes the storm to prove the rwla shelter.
2. Grace is free, but God has to pay for it.
3. Dont limit God by our own limitations.
4. If you’ve seen God’s holiness, faith is effortless.
5. Spend the night under the shadow of His wings. The darker it gets, the longer the shadow will covers you.
And there is this one beautiful piece of poem which a Singaporean sister wrote just after her mysterious death in the 1970-s. Got it from an old book.
“You said You’d come and share all my sorrows
You said You’d be there for all my tomorrows
I came so close to sending You away
But just like You promised
You came here to stay
I just have to pray
And Jesus said, “Come to the water
Stand by My side
I know You are thirsty
You wont be denied.
I felt every tear drop
When i darkness you cried
And i strove to remind you
That for those tears I died.”
Your goodness so great i cant understand
And dear Lord, i know that all this was planned.
I know You are here now and always will be.
Your love loosed my chains
And in You I am free
But why me?
Jesus, I give You my heart and my soul
I know now without God I’d never be whole
Saviour, You opened all the right doors
And i thank You and praise You
From this earth’s humble shores
Take me, I’m Yours.”
27.12.08
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FELLAS!!!!!!
Paul Harvey tells a modern parable about a religious skeptic who worked a s a farmer. One raw winter night the man heard an irregular thumping against the kitchen storm door. He went to a window and watched as tiny, shivering sparrows, attracted to the evident warmth inside, beat in vain against the glass.
Touched, the farmer bundled up and trudged through fresh snow to open the barn door for the struggling birds. He turned on the lights and tossed some hay in the corner. But the sparrows, which had scattered in all directions when he emerged from the house, hid in the darkness, afraid.
The man tried various tactics to get them into the barn. He laid down a trail of Saltine cracker crumbs to direct them. He tried circling behind the birds to drive them toward the barn. Nothing worked. He, a huge alien creature, had terrified them; the birds couldnt comprehend that he actually desired to help them.
The farmer withdrew to his house and watched the doomed sparrows through a window. As he stared, a thought hit: “If only i could become a bird – one of them – just for a moment. Then i wouldnt frighten them so. I could show them the way to warmth and safety.”
At the same moment, another thought dawned on him. He had grapsed the reason Jesus was born.
HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!
Langgan:
Catatan (Atom)
