quit yanking at my heart u fool

IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME

i hope this feeling is momentary. Oh God, cuz if it's not, then i musta have been such a fool for the past few years.

a simple conversation with my senior suddenly made me realized. it may be the sole reason as to why i cant move on and keep on finding rebound, keep on finding excuses on rejecting those who want to come near me.

the time we had together was so short. but him being the first to enter that special territory of my life still hold its significance right there. at the corner of my heart, well, if something like that exists anyway.

the first guy who fits my prince charming list. as petty as it seems, its true.
the first guy who said 'i love you' to me. and shyly said it. (it's all coming back to me now)
the first guy who sings to me. teddy geiger's. i remember how i used to hate that song but he managed to bring a smile to me when i heard it. it's just so darn ironic.

shoot...

i love the way he walks next to me. his tall frame made me feel incredibly safe for goodness' sake!
the way he smiles. the way he smirks. the way he sat down lax with his fingers tapping on the table following the song's beats. the way he gazed down. sometimes im thankful that im short. XD you know what i mean.

we chatted last time, updating our lives and all. he's with his longtime crush now. good for him, i feel happy for him. and envy of her. he's a gem. then he asked me the same thing. whether i had moved on with other guys since we both broke up. i said no. i said im lazy to commit myself to such relationships. lying to him and to myself obviously.

the point here is, he belongs to another. it's a territory that i cant even step on.

I'm a hypocrite if i said no to one of the most obvious questions ever - what would u say if he comes back for a second chance? will you say yes?

I dont think i'll hesitate. maybe for a second, but i know the answer is clear.

it's a YES.

holy days!!!

merujuk kepada perkara di atas. Saya, Lebat Bujang, mengisytiharkan cuti yang berkuatkuasa pada tanggal 5 bulan disember tahun 2009 yang akan berlangsung selama 4 bulan. Seluruh warga UCS bakal berpesta selama berlangsungnya cuti dan ini akan menjadi petanda kepada bermulanya satu era baru.

walaubagaimanapun...

I'M GONNA WORK THIS HOLIDAY!!! But the laziness just cant be scraped off my bones. then how liao? then die la.


ngahahhahaha~
i miss my hostel room ady, what more to say my neighbours.

cheers for:

my lovely housemates - mama and kuali
my naughty bro - pujee
my jungle friend - simba
the 3C community - mas, pumbaa and monkey
the great cook - phui ling
my classmates - sarah, sonia, yiyi, bing kan, donald, carlos
my big bro-who-is-easily-scared (haha) - panda
and his gay partner - lis piccolo
not to forget bubbles and pipo! hoping you guys get fatter the next time i see you! (this advice is not applicable to panda and lis, who are, obviously got their diet prescription wrong the previous sem)


MEERRRRYYYY CHRISTMAS!!!

SON OF A BITCH

i just found another epitome of SOAB. that is you. i dont care if that sad tragedy happen to me. but it is so damn wrong if you touch any of my friends.

You think you're cool, huh? You dont even know how to be a player, fuck yourself. And who am i sowing this feelings to? You are just a kid who are just confused about your sorry life.

Hear me? A KID.

A snap of my cute little fingers, and there you go. OUTTA MY DOOR. And voila, other fishes will come. You'll become a speck of dust, right before my eyes, boy.

You have to get over that uber vanity from your soul, boy cuz it's DAMN ugly. Trust me, I'm lining this up for ya - you're not as pimp as you think you are.

Oh, this is my last gift for ya. MIRRORRRR.... so you could look at yourself and examine it. See the ugliness emblazoned across your whole soul? And you even have the CHEEK to even wish for an angel to be your girl! Why dont you change yourself before you even could think of that??

Oh ya, one more thing. You said that I'm annoying cuz I'm LOUD.

oh my god. LOUD. LOUD. LOUD. i wonder, just how shrewd is your definition of loud-being-annoying thing? I know, I'm loud. but me being loud is one main reason as to why you're avoiding me?

Oh.

Can i say the same thing to you? YOU'RE SO DARN ANNOYING CUZ YOU'RE A MASSIVE NARCISSIST. there you go. try to deny that, KID.

My outlook awakened

Finally.
Breathe afresh.
new outlooks.
new start.
In the desert, waiting, trying not to fret.
waiting, waiting.

God is still on the throne.

Aie. Dooshita no?

We settled the thing, but somehow it doesnt feel right. It seems like you have something to say to me but you just cant say it. Come on. I know it aint only me who think this way.

ahhh... ya. I remember what you said that you hafta be more ignorant from now on. Do you realize that by doing so, you're living in a denial? And you dont even know it!

If you're alright, I'm alright you know. Just talk to me. I'll be there to listen to whatever you wanna say. I promise. You want me to be a good friend, then let me be a good friend for you.

me being annoying.

You're not astonished to see how cool am I around other people besides you? And not even furrowing your brow, noticing that I only become awfully annoying around you?

and why is that? Why did I keep on being annoying and being overly sensitive to whatever lil thing that you did?

You're not that stupid to know the reason, right? But the thought that you never let that thing to cross your mind just show you how unimportant am I to you. Well, thats good in a way. though its degrading. Or maybe you're just too oblivious. Gee, i dunno.

But nevermind. I'll be Miss Cool and Tomboy to you from now on. (You said that I'm not girly. But doesnt me being sensitive proved otherwise? Well, maybe your definition of being girly is different from mine. Ah well. I can live with that)

Relax. Remember what i told you in class? If you're okay with it, I'm perfectly alright with it. I dont hold any grudges, it's just a waste of my time. Just feel sorry that you didnt notice what i felt before. Having a one-sided affection isnt a new experience to me. Yes, it hurts, a lot, but time does heal. And it's healing right now.

We're cool now, right? I meant it when I say I miss our times together, having fun like before. Pillow talking and whatnot.

Pinky promise? That you'll be cool with this like what I'm doing right now. I wont be ignorant. I just wanna come clean so i can move on.

Dont let this affect our friendship. Dont let me say hi first everytime we meet. Make effort to make things better. And dont blame me if anything goes wrong. Cuz, check. Who knows you're partly to be blamed as well? I wont be mad over nothing, come on... I'm bounce-back Lebat, alright? (smiles)

Thinking too much.

Dear ________,

Let me be honest with you for only one night. After that, discard this thought far away, if you want to. This is a thought which I want you to know, but perhaps I dont have enough guts to say to you face to face.

Sorry for what's happening. I dont know what's happening here anyway, but I'm sure that I didnt mean for all these things to happen. But well, let's start from the Alpha, shall we?

Alright. I liked you. Had feelings for you. Perhaps I still like you anyway, but now it's fading. Thank God. Cuz I know being realistic is important since this is one sided anyway. You're a great guy, seriously. But as time passes by, ofcourse I can see that it's useless to sow this kinda feelings right?

Now about the conversation that we had back when i was in my journey to Kuching. Dont-be-too-good-to-me stuff? It's because I want to protect myself from falling. But actually, I fell. I've been hurt badly before and I dont want this kinda thing to happen again. (But it happened) After that, naturally, your attitude towards me changed. drastically. Suddenly all the little things were left unnoticed. I dont think you've seen any of that. You took my words seriously. I was angry at myself for telling you that if I knew it would turn this way. Bullshit, right? Okay, discard that. Past is past and even though I'm still affected, dont worry about it. I'll get rid of it all eventually.

Now that I want to be realistic, I want to get back to my old cool self. I want us to get back to what we used to be. But somehow I know what your reaction would be. "I didnt change. I was acting normal". That would be your reaction. I'm not sure whether you're purposely being ignorant or you're just too darn oblivious to other people's feelings. I dont know. But if you're oblivious, then it's good. Maybe it was just me who think things too much. And of course, I would be smiling or smirking and teasing you "Good lah if you mean that" when only God knows what I'd be feeling inside. I wont show my true emotions to you, so dont worry. You dont have to interpret anything since I'll bury all of them. That'll make things easier, right? Since you dont like settling up problems? I understand. Who likes that anyway?

i'll treat everything like a pro. Trust me. Even when you hurt my feelings unconsciously, I wont show any of my true feelings. It's just too darn annoying and unnecessary. And i know you cant take em anyway. Since I know, to think of my problem for a nanosecond more is a waste of time.

I miss our pillowtalks. I know it sounds uncool and sissy to you (prolly. i know by this part you'd think that I think too much) but do i look like i care whether you're being cool or not? you're still you, no matter what.

Take all of this with a sincere heart, my friend. Since I sincerely pouring all these out to you. I'm sorry for overreacting to every little thing. It's just so hard being a girl, especially a vulnerable one like me.

Let time heal, okay? I have a lot to say, a lot to ponder, but shall we just stop here? "You're thinking too much" is what you would say. Prolly I did think too much. Maybe it's wrong to do that. Well, forgive me then. I'll try to be cooler next time.

Angry? Upset? I'm still feeling both of that right now. But Lebat is still keeping her cool. So she's alright. Time is always there to accompany her.

Until next time, ________.

Truthfully,

the naughtylilsaint.