regret?

i'm currently in a friggin' loonnnggg holiday which will end pretty soon, and along the way, i knew i had to be creative to kill my time. and... i checked my friends' blogs. reading and updating myself with their current-state-of-life, somehow it left me speechless of what is becoming of me in these past few years. I've become a super idle (huh, word pun. idle=idol) life-watcher couch potato!

i analyzed, realized even, at a point, that academically, i havent mature yet. okay, how would i put this... i notice that almost everytime i face an exam or test, i KNEW i wasnt doing good enough. i KNEW i didnt give em my best shot. I KNEW i could do better, but i friggin' did not. there's just this teeny weeny evil inside of me feeding my ego, saying "tsk, you're smart, so why spend so much of your time studying? you can hit em effortlessly!"

tsk. what a fool i was, gambling about my future. i was just being too darn playful, for my own sake!

my SPM was just so-so (terrible, in my opinion). my asasian results were... so-so (well, i managed to get an offer to study medicine and dentistry overseas, but still). my limkokwing results were.... well i was at the top in sem 1 (could you smell the blooming roses?) but in sem 2... ahahhahah. (zipped my lips shut) i know right. what a shame.

it kept me thinkin. what would've happened if i have decided, by then, to promise myself to give anything that i do my best shot. well, of course things would change. but why cry over some spilled milk right. (breathe in)

i hope, i pray that i'll be a better person who will not disappoint myself in the future. i have high expectations on myself (higher than anyone could possibly put in me) and my ego (yeah, my fat ego) will not allow any mistakes that i prolly deliberately make along the way.

i want to stand tall!!!

God, do not forsake me along the way. Watch over my coming and going forevermore. I really want to be a big deal when in the future!!!