Aie. Dooshita no?

We settled the thing, but somehow it doesnt feel right. It seems like you have something to say to me but you just cant say it. Come on. I know it aint only me who think this way.

ahhh... ya. I remember what you said that you hafta be more ignorant from now on. Do you realize that by doing so, you're living in a denial? And you dont even know it!

If you're alright, I'm alright you know. Just talk to me. I'll be there to listen to whatever you wanna say. I promise. You want me to be a good friend, then let me be a good friend for you.

me being annoying.

You're not astonished to see how cool am I around other people besides you? And not even furrowing your brow, noticing that I only become awfully annoying around you?

and why is that? Why did I keep on being annoying and being overly sensitive to whatever lil thing that you did?

You're not that stupid to know the reason, right? But the thought that you never let that thing to cross your mind just show you how unimportant am I to you. Well, thats good in a way. though its degrading. Or maybe you're just too oblivious. Gee, i dunno.

But nevermind. I'll be Miss Cool and Tomboy to you from now on. (You said that I'm not girly. But doesnt me being sensitive proved otherwise? Well, maybe your definition of being girly is different from mine. Ah well. I can live with that)

Relax. Remember what i told you in class? If you're okay with it, I'm perfectly alright with it. I dont hold any grudges, it's just a waste of my time. Just feel sorry that you didnt notice what i felt before. Having a one-sided affection isnt a new experience to me. Yes, it hurts, a lot, but time does heal. And it's healing right now.

We're cool now, right? I meant it when I say I miss our times together, having fun like before. Pillow talking and whatnot.

Pinky promise? That you'll be cool with this like what I'm doing right now. I wont be ignorant. I just wanna come clean so i can move on.

Dont let this affect our friendship. Dont let me say hi first everytime we meet. Make effort to make things better. And dont blame me if anything goes wrong. Cuz, check. Who knows you're partly to be blamed as well? I wont be mad over nothing, come on... I'm bounce-back Lebat, alright? (smiles)

Thinking too much.

Dear ________,

Let me be honest with you for only one night. After that, discard this thought far away, if you want to. This is a thought which I want you to know, but perhaps I dont have enough guts to say to you face to face.

Sorry for what's happening. I dont know what's happening here anyway, but I'm sure that I didnt mean for all these things to happen. But well, let's start from the Alpha, shall we?

Alright. I liked you. Had feelings for you. Perhaps I still like you anyway, but now it's fading. Thank God. Cuz I know being realistic is important since this is one sided anyway. You're a great guy, seriously. But as time passes by, ofcourse I can see that it's useless to sow this kinda feelings right?

Now about the conversation that we had back when i was in my journey to Kuching. Dont-be-too-good-to-me stuff? It's because I want to protect myself from falling. But actually, I fell. I've been hurt badly before and I dont want this kinda thing to happen again. (But it happened) After that, naturally, your attitude towards me changed. drastically. Suddenly all the little things were left unnoticed. I dont think you've seen any of that. You took my words seriously. I was angry at myself for telling you that if I knew it would turn this way. Bullshit, right? Okay, discard that. Past is past and even though I'm still affected, dont worry about it. I'll get rid of it all eventually.

Now that I want to be realistic, I want to get back to my old cool self. I want us to get back to what we used to be. But somehow I know what your reaction would be. "I didnt change. I was acting normal". That would be your reaction. I'm not sure whether you're purposely being ignorant or you're just too darn oblivious to other people's feelings. I dont know. But if you're oblivious, then it's good. Maybe it was just me who think things too much. And of course, I would be smiling or smirking and teasing you "Good lah if you mean that" when only God knows what I'd be feeling inside. I wont show my true emotions to you, so dont worry. You dont have to interpret anything since I'll bury all of them. That'll make things easier, right? Since you dont like settling up problems? I understand. Who likes that anyway?

i'll treat everything like a pro. Trust me. Even when you hurt my feelings unconsciously, I wont show any of my true feelings. It's just too darn annoying and unnecessary. And i know you cant take em anyway. Since I know, to think of my problem for a nanosecond more is a waste of time.

I miss our pillowtalks. I know it sounds uncool and sissy to you (prolly. i know by this part you'd think that I think too much) but do i look like i care whether you're being cool or not? you're still you, no matter what.

Take all of this with a sincere heart, my friend. Since I sincerely pouring all these out to you. I'm sorry for overreacting to every little thing. It's just so hard being a girl, especially a vulnerable one like me.

Let time heal, okay? I have a lot to say, a lot to ponder, but shall we just stop here? "You're thinking too much" is what you would say. Prolly I did think too much. Maybe it's wrong to do that. Well, forgive me then. I'll try to be cooler next time.

Angry? Upset? I'm still feeling both of that right now. But Lebat is still keeping her cool. So she's alright. Time is always there to accompany her.

Until next time, ________.

Truthfully,

the naughtylilsaint.

hypocrisy

I hate hypocrisy and now i found myself drowning in it.

smiling when you're sad

grinning when you're upset

acting cool when you're mad

i cant believe i'm that capable of being a major hypocrite. I cant believe these tall walls - they're being so awfully mean. They dont just hurt me, they hurt other people. I dont like that.

I'm hating this.

and oh yeah, i just figured out something new about myself. I work myself to death if I'm angry. Abuse myself by not eating and will end up with having gastric.

I just love it when I end up being sick. It's like a way to punish myself for not being myself. (Okay. Now I'm officially being a masochist to other people and sadist to myself. It's like SM fetish. my goodness)

I'm recovering. While I'm at it, help me to recover.

This is it. Welcome to the road of recovery.

Go, Lebat. Find your rebound back and get back to Miss Cold.

Episode 1 Season 1

I hate it when I try to lie to my own feelings. I hate it when I try to keep my heart from hurting but i end up hurting it more. I hate it when i cannot say what my heart wants me to say. I hate it when my lips aren't obedient enough.

I wonder, what if i rewind to that one day and took back what i said? Would it change a thing in the present if I were to do that?

I hate this.

We're better off being just friends.

maybe your ignorance can actually do me good you see. all the little details are left unnoticed; sometimes they infuriate me because i think i cared about them too much. or is it because i dont matter to you that much that you feel that there is no need for you to think about them just a nanosecond more?

i'm tellin' you, you're doing a good job there, mate.

keep on letting this hope die cuz i prolly need it.

thanks. maybe it's better to stay the way we are. people say that hearts cant be predicted and controlled. but for me, my tall walls can restrain them from gripping onto me too much.

crush!

alright. so i guess that i forgot to post this one very amusing blog.

"Oh my god. I like him. I really really like him. He’s one of the sweetest guys i have ever met. Seriously. I met so many good guys before but this one... he has that X Factor that i can’t possibly ever resist. I just couldnt hide my smile whenever i saw him. He’s not tall but he looks so hug-able. His smile isnt that great either, but his can send a jolt to this helpless heart. Gahh... he’s not as handsome nor hot as my ex crushes! But he looks so darn fine in my eyes! Gosh, is this another crush i’ve been experiencing? It’s like...
I’m always waiting for his messages.
Waiting to see his face again, along with his smile. Along with his cheeky eyes.
Waiting to hear his deep voice as he plays the guitar.
It’s like my heart beating fast whenever i think about him. I cant even sleep well! This is getting serious, man. I hope he has a girl already so i can have a reason not to have feelings for him.
Slowly he has made his way into my heart. This very closed heart. I’ve been hurt by a bad case of a one sided feelings before. I dont want that to happen again. What am i going to do?? I just got to know him for a few days but the chemistry is just... i wonder if he feels the same way too. *sigh*
God, help me!
ONEGAI, TATSUKETE KURE!!!!
Ps: maybe i’ll realize that this feeling is temporary. I’ll have to figure this one out. Soon. Before my aura gets flowery. THAT would be a shock. XD"


ahahhahahahaha~ i cant remember the date on which i write this one.

you're asking me how do i feel about this guy now?
(wink*)

lemme do my design first alrite. XD