quit yanking at my heart u fool

IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME

i hope this feeling is momentary. Oh God, cuz if it's not, then i musta have been such a fool for the past few years.

a simple conversation with my senior suddenly made me realized. it may be the sole reason as to why i cant move on and keep on finding rebound, keep on finding excuses on rejecting those who want to come near me.

the time we had together was so short. but him being the first to enter that special territory of my life still hold its significance right there. at the corner of my heart, well, if something like that exists anyway.

the first guy who fits my prince charming list. as petty as it seems, its true.
the first guy who said 'i love you' to me. and shyly said it. (it's all coming back to me now)
the first guy who sings to me. teddy geiger's. i remember how i used to hate that song but he managed to bring a smile to me when i heard it. it's just so darn ironic.

shoot...

i love the way he walks next to me. his tall frame made me feel incredibly safe for goodness' sake!
the way he smiles. the way he smirks. the way he sat down lax with his fingers tapping on the table following the song's beats. the way he gazed down. sometimes im thankful that im short. XD you know what i mean.

we chatted last time, updating our lives and all. he's with his longtime crush now. good for him, i feel happy for him. and envy of her. he's a gem. then he asked me the same thing. whether i had moved on with other guys since we both broke up. i said no. i said im lazy to commit myself to such relationships. lying to him and to myself obviously.

the point here is, he belongs to another. it's a territory that i cant even step on.

I'm a hypocrite if i said no to one of the most obvious questions ever - what would u say if he comes back for a second chance? will you say yes?

I dont think i'll hesitate. maybe for a second, but i know the answer is clear.

it's a YES.

holy days!!!

merujuk kepada perkara di atas. Saya, Lebat Bujang, mengisytiharkan cuti yang berkuatkuasa pada tanggal 5 bulan disember tahun 2009 yang akan berlangsung selama 4 bulan. Seluruh warga UCS bakal berpesta selama berlangsungnya cuti dan ini akan menjadi petanda kepada bermulanya satu era baru.

walaubagaimanapun...

I'M GONNA WORK THIS HOLIDAY!!! But the laziness just cant be scraped off my bones. then how liao? then die la.


ngahahhahaha~
i miss my hostel room ady, what more to say my neighbours.

cheers for:

my lovely housemates - mama and kuali
my naughty bro - pujee
my jungle friend - simba
the 3C community - mas, pumbaa and monkey
the great cook - phui ling
my classmates - sarah, sonia, yiyi, bing kan, donald, carlos
my big bro-who-is-easily-scared (haha) - panda
and his gay partner - lis piccolo
not to forget bubbles and pipo! hoping you guys get fatter the next time i see you! (this advice is not applicable to panda and lis, who are, obviously got their diet prescription wrong the previous sem)


MEERRRRYYYY CHRISTMAS!!!

SON OF A BITCH

i just found another epitome of SOAB. that is you. i dont care if that sad tragedy happen to me. but it is so damn wrong if you touch any of my friends.

You think you're cool, huh? You dont even know how to be a player, fuck yourself. And who am i sowing this feelings to? You are just a kid who are just confused about your sorry life.

Hear me? A KID.

A snap of my cute little fingers, and there you go. OUTTA MY DOOR. And voila, other fishes will come. You'll become a speck of dust, right before my eyes, boy.

You have to get over that uber vanity from your soul, boy cuz it's DAMN ugly. Trust me, I'm lining this up for ya - you're not as pimp as you think you are.

Oh, this is my last gift for ya. MIRRORRRR.... so you could look at yourself and examine it. See the ugliness emblazoned across your whole soul? And you even have the CHEEK to even wish for an angel to be your girl! Why dont you change yourself before you even could think of that??

Oh ya, one more thing. You said that I'm annoying cuz I'm LOUD.

oh my god. LOUD. LOUD. LOUD. i wonder, just how shrewd is your definition of loud-being-annoying thing? I know, I'm loud. but me being loud is one main reason as to why you're avoiding me?

Oh.

Can i say the same thing to you? YOU'RE SO DARN ANNOYING CUZ YOU'RE A MASSIVE NARCISSIST. there you go. try to deny that, KID.

My outlook awakened

Finally.
Breathe afresh.
new outlooks.
new start.
In the desert, waiting, trying not to fret.
waiting, waiting.

God is still on the throne.

Aie. Dooshita no?

We settled the thing, but somehow it doesnt feel right. It seems like you have something to say to me but you just cant say it. Come on. I know it aint only me who think this way.

ahhh... ya. I remember what you said that you hafta be more ignorant from now on. Do you realize that by doing so, you're living in a denial? And you dont even know it!

If you're alright, I'm alright you know. Just talk to me. I'll be there to listen to whatever you wanna say. I promise. You want me to be a good friend, then let me be a good friend for you.

me being annoying.

You're not astonished to see how cool am I around other people besides you? And not even furrowing your brow, noticing that I only become awfully annoying around you?

and why is that? Why did I keep on being annoying and being overly sensitive to whatever lil thing that you did?

You're not that stupid to know the reason, right? But the thought that you never let that thing to cross your mind just show you how unimportant am I to you. Well, thats good in a way. though its degrading. Or maybe you're just too oblivious. Gee, i dunno.

But nevermind. I'll be Miss Cool and Tomboy to you from now on. (You said that I'm not girly. But doesnt me being sensitive proved otherwise? Well, maybe your definition of being girly is different from mine. Ah well. I can live with that)

Relax. Remember what i told you in class? If you're okay with it, I'm perfectly alright with it. I dont hold any grudges, it's just a waste of my time. Just feel sorry that you didnt notice what i felt before. Having a one-sided affection isnt a new experience to me. Yes, it hurts, a lot, but time does heal. And it's healing right now.

We're cool now, right? I meant it when I say I miss our times together, having fun like before. Pillow talking and whatnot.

Pinky promise? That you'll be cool with this like what I'm doing right now. I wont be ignorant. I just wanna come clean so i can move on.

Dont let this affect our friendship. Dont let me say hi first everytime we meet. Make effort to make things better. And dont blame me if anything goes wrong. Cuz, check. Who knows you're partly to be blamed as well? I wont be mad over nothing, come on... I'm bounce-back Lebat, alright? (smiles)

Thinking too much.

Dear ________,

Let me be honest with you for only one night. After that, discard this thought far away, if you want to. This is a thought which I want you to know, but perhaps I dont have enough guts to say to you face to face.

Sorry for what's happening. I dont know what's happening here anyway, but I'm sure that I didnt mean for all these things to happen. But well, let's start from the Alpha, shall we?

Alright. I liked you. Had feelings for you. Perhaps I still like you anyway, but now it's fading. Thank God. Cuz I know being realistic is important since this is one sided anyway. You're a great guy, seriously. But as time passes by, ofcourse I can see that it's useless to sow this kinda feelings right?

Now about the conversation that we had back when i was in my journey to Kuching. Dont-be-too-good-to-me stuff? It's because I want to protect myself from falling. But actually, I fell. I've been hurt badly before and I dont want this kinda thing to happen again. (But it happened) After that, naturally, your attitude towards me changed. drastically. Suddenly all the little things were left unnoticed. I dont think you've seen any of that. You took my words seriously. I was angry at myself for telling you that if I knew it would turn this way. Bullshit, right? Okay, discard that. Past is past and even though I'm still affected, dont worry about it. I'll get rid of it all eventually.

Now that I want to be realistic, I want to get back to my old cool self. I want us to get back to what we used to be. But somehow I know what your reaction would be. "I didnt change. I was acting normal". That would be your reaction. I'm not sure whether you're purposely being ignorant or you're just too darn oblivious to other people's feelings. I dont know. But if you're oblivious, then it's good. Maybe it was just me who think things too much. And of course, I would be smiling or smirking and teasing you "Good lah if you mean that" when only God knows what I'd be feeling inside. I wont show my true emotions to you, so dont worry. You dont have to interpret anything since I'll bury all of them. That'll make things easier, right? Since you dont like settling up problems? I understand. Who likes that anyway?

i'll treat everything like a pro. Trust me. Even when you hurt my feelings unconsciously, I wont show any of my true feelings. It's just too darn annoying and unnecessary. And i know you cant take em anyway. Since I know, to think of my problem for a nanosecond more is a waste of time.

I miss our pillowtalks. I know it sounds uncool and sissy to you (prolly. i know by this part you'd think that I think too much) but do i look like i care whether you're being cool or not? you're still you, no matter what.

Take all of this with a sincere heart, my friend. Since I sincerely pouring all these out to you. I'm sorry for overreacting to every little thing. It's just so hard being a girl, especially a vulnerable one like me.

Let time heal, okay? I have a lot to say, a lot to ponder, but shall we just stop here? "You're thinking too much" is what you would say. Prolly I did think too much. Maybe it's wrong to do that. Well, forgive me then. I'll try to be cooler next time.

Angry? Upset? I'm still feeling both of that right now. But Lebat is still keeping her cool. So she's alright. Time is always there to accompany her.

Until next time, ________.

Truthfully,

the naughtylilsaint.

hypocrisy

I hate hypocrisy and now i found myself drowning in it.

smiling when you're sad

grinning when you're upset

acting cool when you're mad

i cant believe i'm that capable of being a major hypocrite. I cant believe these tall walls - they're being so awfully mean. They dont just hurt me, they hurt other people. I dont like that.

I'm hating this.

and oh yeah, i just figured out something new about myself. I work myself to death if I'm angry. Abuse myself by not eating and will end up with having gastric.

I just love it when I end up being sick. It's like a way to punish myself for not being myself. (Okay. Now I'm officially being a masochist to other people and sadist to myself. It's like SM fetish. my goodness)

I'm recovering. While I'm at it, help me to recover.

This is it. Welcome to the road of recovery.

Go, Lebat. Find your rebound back and get back to Miss Cold.

Episode 1 Season 1

I hate it when I try to lie to my own feelings. I hate it when I try to keep my heart from hurting but i end up hurting it more. I hate it when i cannot say what my heart wants me to say. I hate it when my lips aren't obedient enough.

I wonder, what if i rewind to that one day and took back what i said? Would it change a thing in the present if I were to do that?

I hate this.

We're better off being just friends.

maybe your ignorance can actually do me good you see. all the little details are left unnoticed; sometimes they infuriate me because i think i cared about them too much. or is it because i dont matter to you that much that you feel that there is no need for you to think about them just a nanosecond more?

i'm tellin' you, you're doing a good job there, mate.

keep on letting this hope die cuz i prolly need it.

thanks. maybe it's better to stay the way we are. people say that hearts cant be predicted and controlled. but for me, my tall walls can restrain them from gripping onto me too much.

crush!

alright. so i guess that i forgot to post this one very amusing blog.

"Oh my god. I like him. I really really like him. He’s one of the sweetest guys i have ever met. Seriously. I met so many good guys before but this one... he has that X Factor that i can’t possibly ever resist. I just couldnt hide my smile whenever i saw him. He’s not tall but he looks so hug-able. His smile isnt that great either, but his can send a jolt to this helpless heart. Gahh... he’s not as handsome nor hot as my ex crushes! But he looks so darn fine in my eyes! Gosh, is this another crush i’ve been experiencing? It’s like...
I’m always waiting for his messages.
Waiting to see his face again, along with his smile. Along with his cheeky eyes.
Waiting to hear his deep voice as he plays the guitar.
It’s like my heart beating fast whenever i think about him. I cant even sleep well! This is getting serious, man. I hope he has a girl already so i can have a reason not to have feelings for him.
Slowly he has made his way into my heart. This very closed heart. I’ve been hurt by a bad case of a one sided feelings before. I dont want that to happen again. What am i going to do?? I just got to know him for a few days but the chemistry is just... i wonder if he feels the same way too. *sigh*
God, help me!
ONEGAI, TATSUKETE KURE!!!!
Ps: maybe i’ll realize that this feeling is temporary. I’ll have to figure this one out. Soon. Before my aura gets flowery. THAT would be a shock. XD"


ahahhahahahaha~ i cant remember the date on which i write this one.

you're asking me how do i feel about this guy now?
(wink*)

lemme do my design first alrite. XD

CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH (the 27 things I've experienced so far)

1. How come you have enough time to go out and make other girls fall in love with you, but you don't have enough time to pay attention to the girl who already is?

2. You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it.

3. Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea what so ever.

4. The worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you know you can never have them.

4. I love him but I cannot show it, want him but he cannot know it, need him but I know it'll never be, if only he needed me.

5. I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi to me, or even smile, because I know even if just for a second, I crossed your mind.

6. I wonder, what I could Do or say to make him like me. I wonder, what or who I need to be, to be his. I wonder, when just being me will be enough.

7. Should I smile cause were friends, or should I cry cause that's all well ever gonna be.

8. I look at him as a friend, then I realized I loved him.

9. We are afraid to care to much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

10. You don't know what you mean to me, you don't have a clue, you can't tell by looking at me what I feel for you.

11. Sometimes I wonder what you think of me or if you do at all.

12. Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

13. I wonder if you think of me half as much as I think about you.

14. You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.

15. When he's around, my whole body knows it. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind will have no idea what I'm saying, I keep wondering if there's a term for this.

16. Rule #1 never tell a guy that you like them because then they will immediately stop liking you so DON'T DO IT!

17. You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump.

18. All I'm asking for is one night together. Just you and me. All alone. And if you can honestly say you don't feel anything for me after that night, I will finally let you go.

19. It's weird how sometimes things just have to happen to see how you actually feel about
someone.

20. For someone who is suppose to be "just friends" why do I always get butterflies in my stomach when you smile at me.

21. Sometimes I look at you... and you seem to be looking back at me... but sometimes you look away... like you're afraid of what might happen if you look a second longer.

22. I never regretted telling you I liked you, I only regretted never hearing what you really thought of me.

23. I can sit here with you forever. I don't need to touch you. I don't need to hear your voice. I don't even have to look at you. As long as I know that you're here besides me. If I can smell your scent that I've grown to adore more then that of roses, hear you breathe feel your warmth permuting the air around me, I'll be fine.

24. The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.

25. I play the same song, over and over cause it reminds me of you. (i know it sounds petty, but the songs were 'i wished you loved me' and 'diagnosed with love'. i just hate how i would change so drastically when i truly like someone)

26. I want to be the girl who makes your bad days better, and the one that makes you say "my life has changed since I met her".

27. And she ignores all the other guys who want her, because she's too busy noticing him.

And i wonder who's gonna be the next guy to make me feel all those feelings again. I hope there's not gonna be any next time. Crushes are painful to be dealt with.

You hurt me many times before, and i cant remember myself not being emotional when i come across the songs which remind me of you in my lappy. A friend said that maybe i'm still not over you. I AM over you but i prefer not to forget these memories. They taught me some lessons. Be happy with your girl, dude. She deserves you more than I do.


I'm waiting. still waiting.

I MISS MY BITCHES

well, as the title suggests. I MISS MY BITCHES!!!!
man... i browsed through my nostalgic pictures and i came across this pic where we skipped class to go to Pandan Beach using Sandra's Wish. oboete iru?
Gah....... i swear, we hafta spend one of those coming holidays for a ladies nite out.

I MISS YOU GIRLS!!!

regret?

i'm currently in a friggin' loonnnggg holiday which will end pretty soon, and along the way, i knew i had to be creative to kill my time. and... i checked my friends' blogs. reading and updating myself with their current-state-of-life, somehow it left me speechless of what is becoming of me in these past few years. I've become a super idle (huh, word pun. idle=idol) life-watcher couch potato!

i analyzed, realized even, at a point, that academically, i havent mature yet. okay, how would i put this... i notice that almost everytime i face an exam or test, i KNEW i wasnt doing good enough. i KNEW i didnt give em my best shot. I KNEW i could do better, but i friggin' did not. there's just this teeny weeny evil inside of me feeding my ego, saying "tsk, you're smart, so why spend so much of your time studying? you can hit em effortlessly!"

tsk. what a fool i was, gambling about my future. i was just being too darn playful, for my own sake!

my SPM was just so-so (terrible, in my opinion). my asasian results were... so-so (well, i managed to get an offer to study medicine and dentistry overseas, but still). my limkokwing results were.... well i was at the top in sem 1 (could you smell the blooming roses?) but in sem 2... ahahhahah. (zipped my lips shut) i know right. what a shame.

it kept me thinkin. what would've happened if i have decided, by then, to promise myself to give anything that i do my best shot. well, of course things would change. but why cry over some spilled milk right. (breathe in)

i hope, i pray that i'll be a better person who will not disappoint myself in the future. i have high expectations on myself (higher than anyone could possibly put in me) and my ego (yeah, my fat ego) will not allow any mistakes that i prolly deliberately make along the way.

i want to stand tall!!!

God, do not forsake me along the way. Watch over my coming and going forevermore. I really want to be a big deal when in the future!!!

I dont mind seeing him again...

I woke up with a disappointed feeling with my heart beating fast this morning.

It seems like i was in a huge posh ballroom with only jeans and plain T, walking around helping the staffs. Girls and guys were socializing around with glasses of wine in their hands, laughing and flirting with each other. It was a perfect night to have fun, oh right. I felt jealous of 'em since i wasnt in my best image.

Then this tall handsome guy with a black designer suit coming towards me with a serious but smiling face. His left hand was twirling a half-filled wine glass. People’s gaze seemed to follow his steps. He attracted a lot of attention, i thought. And oh man... i cant remember the details of his face but i KNEW he’s one big deal of a man. He stood at around 5’11 to 6’ feet and had that charismatic aura about him. Perfect straight nose, short black hair and piercing sexy eyes. Gosh....... he's so freakin' hot.

He beckoned me to follow him as we walked down a hallway.

Then i followed him to his car. He drove me to this house and asked me to change into something better as he waited outside the room. and wow, a black elegant knee-length dress was prepared for me. I put it on, ofcourse. fashioned my hair (shockingly they were long) and whatnot. I came out for a sec just to ask him whether i look alright.

My heart gave me this dup-dap sounds when i looked at his amazed face. I knew i look pretty, beautiful even (the vain feeling in my dream amazed me too, lol. and yeah, i did feel sexy!). He smiled and looked away. A little expression of nervous was written on his face made me wonder. a little startled, even. I came into the room to get my corset when i heard tyres screeching. i rushed outside.

He was gone!!! With his supercool elegant black sports car!!! I felt bewildered, of course. Such ungentlemanly manner, leaving a girl behind. Tsk. The next time i see you, mr hottie, i’d give you a piece of my mind.

I think i met another version of Kang Dong Won. GAHHHH!!!!!

it's sooo disturbing to have such unfinished dream. I'm looking forward for a sequel!!! ahahahahhaha~~

Heaven 9-11

It's been 8 years, daddy
I really, really miss you
Mommy says you're safe now
in a beautiful place called Heaven

We have your favourite dinner tonight
I ate it all up!
Even though I don't like carrots

I learned how to swim this summer
I can even open my eyes when I'm under water
Can't you see me?

I started kindergarten this year
I carry around a picture of us
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox
You are the greatest daddy

I can swing on the swing by myself
Even though I miss you pushing me
Can't you see me?

I miss how you used to tickle me
Tickle my belly
My belly hurts
I try not to cry
Mommy says it's ok

I know you don't like it when I cry
Never wanted me to be sad
I try daddy but it hurts
Is it true that you're not coming home?

Maybe someday
I can visit you in heaven, ok?

It's time for me to go to bed now
I sleep with the lights on
Just in case if you come home
And kiss me goodnight

I love you so much
I miss you daddy


This is a song which an anonymous wrote (I'm guessing it's a little girl) who lost her father in the tragic tragedy of Sept 11 2001. I just gotta post this up since it carries a very innocent yet deep meaning of the incident from a point view of a girl (yes, it's only an assumption) and yeah, i did cry when I watch this video on youtube. It's just heart ranting.

P/S: Lives are so damn precious; and precious things become more precious once we lost 'em.

My freaking wallet is gone!!!!!

It’s been a week now (today is 22nd July which the scientists predict that one of the longest sun eclipse will happen. Now is almost 2 pm and I dont recall seeing the sky being dark around 9.30 am. Well, Reader Digest July edition states that Singapore will experience its peak around 9.44 am and Singapore and Sarawak’s time zones aren’t that different either) and I’ve been driving without my license since then. Luckily in Kuching there is no ops-sikap regarding bringing your license to drive anywhere. Well, not yet.
The first three days were oh-so-okay. I was laid back. Thinking that perhaps my wallet is playing hide-and-seek with me and three days are enough of it to get tired of me not seeking it.
Then the fourth and fifth day came. I was still laid back but a tiny bit of worriness ‘bloomed’ inside me. I started to search within the parameter of my house, cuz I realized it was gone right after I picked up my brother from school.
Then a week happened. WARGHHHHHHHHH now i’m bloody worried!!!!!!!!
P/S: i wonder if i can make an excuse, saying that I need to make a new license because I dislike my former license because of my picture?

Good or nice?

So what’s the definition of good, and what’s the meaning of nice anyway? And which one has the majority strive for, good or nice or even both? I’m too lazy to look ‘em up, so do it yourself. lol
For me, personally, good doesn’t overlap with the word nice. Both sound pleasing, but both bring different consequences to a matter. I went out with some friends this afternoon and had lunch together at Memories Padungan. We were talking about the conflict that we had among the circle of our friends and decided to, maybe, arrange an outing together with the idea of bringing back the ‘old days’. A friend said that if we were to go out together, she doesnt wish to rise the sensitive issue between the gang or else it would ruin the whole outing thing. I kinda agree to that, since she’s leaving soon and wants at least one more memorable thing to do before she do so.
That put aside, now I’m gonna tell you the other story which linked to the one stated above. I have a friend. A male one. Much older than me but the type of a person that makes you often think, “what-kind-of-a-future-will-he-has”. Pretty much irresponsible who thinks only about himself. Well, he does think about others, but that’s only a ratio of 1:5. Anyway, recently everyone’s pissed at him for he did something wrong. He did not even justify himself even when given a chance to. That’s sorta good since he know he was at the wrong side. He called himself a bastard. Feeling sorry, I messaged him during an outing with a friend (who was very close to this bastard, until the conflict happened). I know I had to talk to him like i’m talking to someone’s much younger than me, since he can’t handle adult and matured talks (sometimes I’m amazed how big this world is. I’m 20 and this is the first time i met such a person, no kidding ya!). I smooth-talked him and successfully persuaded him for an outing together – then maybe I can dig something else out and give him a peace of my mind. Some friends agreed to that, some didnt. Saying he’s a very sensitive person and hurt easily.
I’m perfectly informed of his attitude by now. And, as a friend, I KNOW he has to change. Break free from his little world and start to face the truth instead of living in denial. He has got to stop this self-destructive behaviour and start to see things in a 180-degree perspective now – facing himself, his problems and make an effort to change the way things are. He told me that I’m a motherly and nice friend. Heck, I’m not even close to one. I’m certainly not nice. I’m good though, lol (minus the short-temper and KY attitude). I’ll not even try to be nice (smooth talk excluded) if I’m concerned about him. A nice person would let a friend to stay where he stood, even if it’s bad for him. A nice person would say ‘it’s up to you’ even when it’s clearly bad. I’m referring to F, now that I listened to what happened the other ‘day’ from S. A good person will pinpoint the mistakes her friend have, even if it risk the feelings of the receiver. Well, like they say, even if it’s painful, we just got to pull that cancer out even if it’s painful. Or else, it would be life-threatening.
About F and A, I dont really care if they were together, but i cant see where their relationship is going now that both people are from the same group of people. People who either can’t face their mistakes and pinpointing their mistakes to other people or people who are living a lie. Nay, that wont last long. I dont even have to ‘eat salt’ to know that thing. Both were being nice to each other but not good to each other. Both are only seeking pleasure without discerning between the right and the wrong. The matter of making-the-best-out-of-your-partner is prolly the last thing in their mind. It’s pathetic? Well, in a way it is. I can’t say much since I had this kind of shallow relationships too (but not to the extend it goes outta hand lar)
Back to the main point, when a good person is giving her advice away, it takes another good person to actually receive the advise and use it as much as he/she could. It takes a matured mind to judge itself and make an effort to change its flaws. I mean, I know it’s embarassing when people pinpoint your mistakes (I’m always in that situation too) but I don’t see any reason why you don’t see the good side of the correction. Yeah, pride is one thing. But having pride for holding something stupid is.... well, stupid right? Obviously.
The thing is... just how much I want to be a good friend, it’s no use if the friend that I want to be good to doesn’t want me to infiltrate his hole and pull him out of there. I can give him a piece of my mind, I can give him advises and thats pretty much I can only give. He can accept ‘em or reject ‘em. Well, since he has his own free will and free to decide the way he run life.
Back to what happened in Memories Padungan. Now that when I think about it, we’re facing a friend called A here. I’m not even sure whether I should be nice or good in our next outing. Aiz, being nice is so hard for me. I’ll try, J.

i want the good ole me!

I dont know what’s the issue of trying-to-go-thru-the-young-adult phase thing, but you bet i dont like it. It’s like your hormone started to kick in (in a different way, trigerring different things) and suddenly you became super emo and wanting your independence fiercely. And, apparently i’m in that situation too. As my previous post has stated, I NEED A TIME-OUT!
Every lil’ word my parents say would surely make me squirm (or pissed) and knowing myself to be a short-tempered person, i would prolly end up like my bro – a half-outcast of the house. But too bad, i’m a girl, so no matter how fucked up i may be, i’m just too precious too be thrown out like that. Yea, sarcastic there. I KNOW that their intentions are good, it’s just that i dont wanna receive their advice. It’s like this every single tiny cell in my body has this high leveled resistance (antiparents sort of antibodies; just that there’s no antiserum to identify their existence) towards their orders. But i have to follow their orders (not because their words are LAWS) since i’m still under their care. Ahhh, i need to graduate fast!!! After 3 years of diploma, i’m going to australia and THAT would be a super hella of a FREEDOM. The word freedom itself is orgasmic to me and it gives me a sense of tingling inside. Oh my goodness, i really want that. I want to structure my life and see the world from my viewpoint.
I used to be so goody-two-shoes that i even think that a lil foul language is like a piece of hell to me. I dont even think of lying (now that i think that im getting better with lying, i’m starting to feel guilty here. well, at least). AND, everytime i hear my friend is getting into trouble, i’d immediately pray for them. Yea, i sounded like a lil priest back then. But as my friend used to say, people grow and change. So there’s this tiny glint of hope deep down in my heart saying that i’m gonna be the goody-two-shoes once again after this all hormone-kicking thingie. But looking at the bright side (and the geeky dorky nerdy side) these experience will make me a better player of the world, understanding their rules and playing their games wisely. Hmm. That sounds good. I’ve been naive long enough and it’s time to flood my mind with these things. Not that i’m saying i’ve grown interested in becoming worldly, but to equip myself from them. You know, like an imaginary armor or something.
It’s interesting to note that almost every post that i typed in will always trailed off to a different topic altogether. Ah well. The conclusion is – help!!! I want the ole’ good me back!!!

I need a long time out.

That’s it. I need time apart from my family. I need my time to decide on how i live. I grew sick and tired of them for getting into my own space and giving orders around. I know my faults, alright, so let me realize my own mistakes. I dont care if it’s too late to realize them, but im not the kinda person to learn anything theoretically. I need my space to breathe man, so back off, alright?!
I’m depressed that i dont even have the freedom of doing what a 20-year-old person have. It’s like every second of my life is being monitored. I grew fuckingly, bloodily sick of this. Whenever i want to go out with my friends, they’ll try their best to stop me by inserting drippin’ sarcasm in between and thought i was stupid to not to get their intentions. Telling me that it’s a waste of time and it’s not productive. What am i, a cow? Who the fuck you think i am? I’m just a teenager, for goodness’ sake! WHO IS CURRENTLY IN A LOOONNGGG HOLIDAY! What’s this productive thing that you’re trying to say? Working? Studying? Heck, i dont even have money to buy all those architecture books! And you know my friends and they’re what to you, social failures? WTF, you know me LONG enough to have faith that i wont get myself into these kinds of people!
One more thing. They always unfailingly wonder why i’m always stuck in my room 24/7. You know why? Cuz thats the only place available where i can have all my space to myself. Enlightened? Tres bien. I may sound like a desperate kid trying her best to find her independence, but hey, i am. If i’ve given a wish right now – freedom is what im gonna say. Without thinking a second. Well, prolly it’ll take more than a second since i want other things too. Or i prolly will just say i wanna 10 more wishes.
Me going to sibu is the really BEST option that i have right now. Time apart from family. That taste sooo good, it reminds me of when i was studying back in UM for 10 months. Total heaven man. My life and no one else bothering my space. Going out and back at hostel till dawn... i missed those times. Im envious of my friends who are studying in semenanjung – they’re absolutely living a normal life of a young adult should.
I prolly sound immature here, but hey, i’m going thru that young adult phase. Perhaps my parents are too old to understand how it feels like to be a young adult.

Forgiveness

To him:
You did a wrong thing
But i guess you’re just a human after all
And human tend to make mistakes
The difference is whether it is big or small
And whether you feel guilty or not.
Indeed, the spirit is strong
But the flesh is weak
After contemplating the situation
I guess i have to forgive you
And have faith that He will handle the rest
As time works to heal the present.
Dont look back into the past
Or you will never find the way out
Dont lament, for cryin’ out loud!
Just focus on the present
Cuz it will be the only thing
That you can hold on to to see the future!

This faith that i’m rebuilding for you
Please dont forsake it.


To her:
Tell me the definition of a hypocrite
And i’ll tell you mine
It’s no use sweeping the truth under the rug
Cuz we aint blur nor blind.
Think, my dear, and analyze!
Dont just justify yourself and give us lies
You told us that you’re not ‘that’ kinda person
I trusted in that and now look what happened?
But i know, human is a human after all
Human cant avoid from flaws and they tend to fall
but giving us excuses arent gonna help ya
so please, CONTEMPLATE!
Try putting yourself on our side
And view things from our eyes
We pinpointed your mistakes
And now it’s your turn to do your part.

wow. nothing suprised me anymore.

omg. now your face is unleashed, i dont even know whether to laugh or just stabbed your heart right in front of your eyes. thats if you really have a heart.

i used to wonder the existence of fucked up bastards who womanized other girls in this world. i know they existed, but i never know that im living close to one. even witnessed his action-packed life. now i know. i even marveled.


i truly marvel over your existence right in front of my face.

u even tainted my eyes.

YOU ARE JUST THE PERFECT DEFINITION OF A BASTARD.

a truly live-in fucked up arsehole who thinks with his c**k. if i were to stand before you... wow. i dont even know how'd i act by then.

i know, a cup of revenge is sweet. but you dont even worth a cent of my time.

you know, i remember when you sounded so passionate about her that i even started to build up my respect for you. i told you that she has been hurt from her past relationship. you told me that you understand.

seeing you so persistent about her, i told myself to give you a chance and even gave you a green light. and HECK, you're 28. a grown-up man who's supposed to be ready to shoulder your responsibilities as the eldest son in your family and in relationship! but what are you doing, lingering around like a total loser? to think that i've kept my faith in you in changing into a better person??

i thought i saw the hope of change in your eyes.

i thought that you WANT to be changed.

i thought that you finally found your motivation to push yourself on with life.

i thought i could never be wrong.

NEVER THIS WRONG.





(laughs)





guess what?


I AM WRONG.


i heard that you slept with a whore a few weeks later. not one time, but many times. i thought, how could a person stuck his c**k up into some whore's h**e while having a so-called lovey dovey relationship with other girls? wow. so much of your fondness, pussy. you make me wonder, how far a person can go by feigning his innocence. the fact that you being an ignorant of her past disgust me even more.

i marveled. impressed even. and i even astonished by how you create this feeling of marvel inside me.

clap hands, everybody. give him a standing ovation!

if there's a so-called award for the best liar, i'd surely nominate you.

thank you for letting me bitching about you in this blog.

and you should thank me for not revealing your name here. i wont give you a chance to be a celebrity, no, not in my blog.

if i were her.

I was your girl, gave you my world
My everything
But you wouldn't see
I had your back
I backed you up
whatever I did
was never enough
Just you... you
That's all you ever thought about
You... you
No one matters like you do
what goes around comes around
You should know by now


Bet you never thought thatI could break you
Did you think that i would look the other way
Yeah you had it all figured out
But tell me who's the one who's crying now?

The palm of your hand, that was your plan
gave me no time but now you want mine
It's all about take you took too much
Nothing inside I'm all used up
Come on
You... you
Nothing else matters like you do
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout
Don't you?
what goes around comes around
You should know by now
All your one night stands (should've thought about that )
Says she's just a friend (should've thought about that)
Are you satisfied now? (should've thought about that)
cause you can't hold me down
Not now I wanna thank you
cause now I'm free
I can breath again
and I'm never going back to you.

Your face unmasked.

It's time to let it go
The world's got a funny way of turning 'round on you
When a friend tries to stab you right in the face
Losing faith in everything I thought I hoped I knew
Don't sweat it, set a false pretense
Betray, you're not gonna be willing to change
Yeah, and it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betray, you're not gonna be willing to change
Ca-ca-ca-cause you know
In Sacrifice
False Pretense, you'll learn again
Stop pretending, don't deny
False Pretense, you'll learn again
All along you know you thought you got the best of me
You were wrong and I'm laughing right in your face
I can not believe you claimed you were my family
Don't sweat it, set a false pretense
Betray, you're not gonna be willing to change
Yeah, and it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betray, you're not gonna be willing to change
Ca-ca-ca-cause you know
In Sacrifice
False Pretense, you'll learn again
Stop Pretending, don't deny
False pretense, you'll learn again

It's time to let it go
I can't seem to understand it how you turned out to be so cold
You tried but were caught red-handed, are you happy with your role?
It's funny to me how you've turned into such a joke
In Sacrifice
False Pretense, you'll learn again
Stop Pretending, don't deny
False pretense, you'll learn again


So play-ay-ay the game until you run out


And play-ay-ay the game into my hand

To him.

Hey girl, you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my hand
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down
Cover up with make-up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he
Swears he loves you
Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend
One day, this world's got to end
As your lies crumble down
A new life she has found
A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
Every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever you will surely drown
I see what's going down
I see the way you go and say you're right again
Say you're right again
Heed my lecture
Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now
As she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend
One day, this world's got to end
As your lies crumble down
A new life she has found


One day she will tell you that she has enough
It's coming round again
One day she will tell you that she has enough
He's coming round again
Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend
One day, this world's got to end
As your lies crumble downa new life she has found-
Face down in the dirt
She said this doesn't hurt
She said I've finally had enough
Face down in the dirt
She said this doesn't hurt
She said I've finally had enough

I miss intellectual talks.

well, the content is pretty much the title.
after i went to limkokwing, maaaannnnn, did i realize just how much i missed intellectual talks! i mean, talks bout boys, hotties, brands, karaokes, clubs and others are pretty nice to listen to - BUT NOT ALL THE TIME.
so whenever i meet up with my old friends of stampin (or UM), i would always feel awkward because i realized that limkokwing has changed me so much - emotionally and intellectually. well, it is good in a way cuz i got to embrace both worlds of science and art.
sigh.
sometimes i wonder what do God think while He's penning down my life in His book.

balik kampung!!!

last friday i went to sibu to visit the UCS. for those who dont know wth it is, it's an international college which offers courses related to technology and business. and yes, i'm transferring there from limkokwing. too bad that UCS has less advertisements that close to 80% of my friends in limkokwing knew bout it. unfair eh?
well, anyway, it's a shame that i dont have any camera to capture the moments in between the journeys though. (i went to rumah panjai Daniel, Sibu; rumah panjai Dr Joseph Jawa - heck, the interior looks as if it has been copy pasted straight from a modern chalet! and my dearest rumah panjai nanga bong, Betong)
What's so significant about the 3 days-2 nights trip? well, apart from the balik-kampung thing itself, my family almost encountered a head-collision accident on the way back home, near..... Balai Ringin I think. (i think?) it was a prolly between 7:30 to 8 and it was raining. The road was black (altho it's not pitch black) and slippery (duh). my dad was driving up a hill and when he was about to go down, this huge towing truck was on our way. my car (red toyota hilux surf, QP737 - if you see this car anywhere and there's a pretty chick inside, that's me. wahahahahhaha~) screeched to halt a foot away from the truck.
i think it's the first time i saw my dad's been THAT shocked. (a year earlier he got his foot been squashed by the 4WD itself but still he looked calm in comparison) the screeching sound would probably stick to my head forever (i kinda doubt it though). What struck me the most happened a few seconds after that. It was my dad, saying "Praise the Lord, we avoided it". cuz if it was me, i'd prolly shouted colourful curses for a minute, lol. But yeah, i do thank God. the 4WD was full of loads (bags and 6 people - which means it had BIG MOMENTUM) and it went down the hill with around 80 km/hr speed.

Every night, I always say this line to Him - "Watch after our coming and going forevermore".
It has been answered and always be answered in the future, unless He decided to take us to Him. well, giving any chances and options, I dont mind going to Him. But not by then. XD, I need more time to repent for my mistakes.

actually the truck parked on what it's supposed to be our lane, but facing our way. AND the driver didnt even place at least a safety triangle on top of the hill - just to alert other drivers that there's been an accident there (yeah, apparently the truck was towing this overturned white car in the drain). choooo mukatsuku.

i prayed instantly that there'd be no accidents because of that truck-parking-in-such-a-dangerous-manner after our passing it. i mean, what will it look like if a car full with family rammed into it like what we almost did?

preparation for a beginning

okay, so its not a beginning but one of the beginnings.
next sem i'll be going to UCS Sibu to take architecture. so so long limkokwing. though ur full of flaws which even a black hole cant suck em all in, i'll still gonna love your peeps.
yeah, i know sibu is a lot less fun than kuching. but heck, as if kuching is that fun either. lol

i couldnt help but to feel anxious about this though. i KNOW i'll be doing fine. aiseh, can i find people who are of the same palak with me?

cant believe im worried bout this stuff. (take a long breath) chill.

superficial?

im grateful for being a citizen who lives in a democratic country. so now im using my free rights to say - YEAH, IM FINALLY LEAVING LIMKOKWING, YOU STINKIN SCUM!!!
very poor management is a HUGE problem especially for such prestigious (superficial to me anyway regardless of how many awards that fart received. yeah, watever) institute.

lol, not a surprise anyway, since kuch campus is managed by a shitty person too. yeah, SHITTY is just a perfect word that i cant possibly find any other word to replace it.
oh wait. i do. but it's a list n im very lazy to write grade A descriptive writing here rite now. (lol)

nay, im not gonna curse limkokwing cuz its bad on its own already. sucking money from students by various means of way. x cukup lagi ke duit resource tu wahai *****? dahla ada student masey x dapat diorang punyer kad pelajar. apakejadahnya? langsung x bley blah la.

superficial? (smirk)

u know u r.

Done that

So yah, 2 more days left in limkokwing.
i hope you guys settle this soon. I'm not pinpointing mistakes to anyone, cuz there isnt anyone i can pinpoint at.
human are made to be full of flaws thats y we cant judge other people.
but we do have the responsibility of judging ourselves.

I've been a friend to you guys for a year now and i know you guys can settle this before i finally go to sibu.
i know forgiving is a very hard thing to do cuz it means that ur lowering urselves.
but forgive and accept each others' flaws. not that im saying that u can be ignorant of ur weakness.
change it if you can.
change it before it gets the best of ya.

as i've said earlier, im not pinpointing this message to anyone in particular, but to all my friends who read this post.

i love you guys.

peace forever.

i'm a sinner.

at first I thought he was kinda cute. after some talking, I thought he was funny. after more talking, i found that he is charming.
and now, i think that i've fallen for him.
but i just cant, that's a wrong thing to do.

because he's another girl's man.
a border that i couldnt even touch.

WHAT A SHAME.

he is very heartwarming, and i found myself to be my true self whenever i hang around him. he makes me forget that i'm a tomboy and treats me like a lady. i cant help but to fall for that.

i know, i know this cant go on. but please dear God, help me find another cherished guy just like him in the future.

happy belated mom's day

it's been ages since i last sent a post here.
now, i'm bedridden for the past four days, thanks to this severe gastritis that i have right now. extreme abdominal pain, muscle pain, heartburns, headaches, vomitting... yeah. partayyy.
this period of pain let me witness how great a mom could be. and i thank god that i was a child to this woman whom i call my mom. i dont know what i've become today if it wasnt because of her. she took care of me faithfully, even guarding my medicine-taking schedule, to feeding me food (even if it's 2 or 4 am in the morning). God didnt give me strength to do these things by myself, but instead He let me experience and watch her actions, and let me ponder inside. I felt thankful. One vivid reason as to why mother's day exist and should be celebrated. I've never celebrate mom's day, never in my life, but i'm repaying her with all i can as a current student. i feel bad that i'm getting lazier nowadays, and i know i'm disappointing my parents unsconsciously and God, of course, who sent me here in limkokwing in the first place.

a million sorry would probably not be enough to compensate for what i've done, is it not?
albeit, my humble apologies. I'll do better this time.

MONEY IS SOME BULLSHIT THAT KEEPS US ALIVE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

What a fuckingly depressing day.
They say evil tempts us more than the essence of goodness. I dont know about that, but right at this moment i couldnt agree more. My mind is in turmoil and somehow some people cant stop bitching about my obvious mistakes. I dont need your preaches, old farts.
I’m impressed by how emo i am right now.
I have so much shit to do but my stupid body cant take the pressure even if my ego can. If i could, i’d discarded this body and search for something like a triathlon sportswoman.
Come on, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOU, EVIL?
Entertain me if you can.
Bullshit. I really in a dire need of money. Everytime i ask money from my ‘bosses’ they gave me this kind of condemning look like ‘where’s the money that i gave you last week?’
Wow. dont tell me you guys werent expecting that sending me to LKW would cost this much?
Somehow i cant stop blaming myself to the point its driving me nuts. Blaming myself that I often ask for money even if its for school works. Blaming myself that my frail body cant take what it takes to burn the midnight oil. Yeah, shit no doubt it’s my fault for not taking care of myself. Often i entertain myself with indulging myself with alcohol and smoking, it’s like i dont care what will happen if i do that.
Imagine if i’m dead. I wonder how many tears will be shed for me. And just how many people will be missing me. Or rejoicing it.
I’m not even sure whether i fuckingly care about it or not.
I’m waiting for a friend to take me out for a nick and get me out from this suffocating hole.
Lebat, what have happened to to you? You used to be so strong. And now you’ve started to doubt and question the power of His which you used to root your unbreakable faith in.

new year

26.12.2008
CHIKUSHO. CHIKUSHO. CHIKUSHO.
A good day for celebrating the festive season huh? Merry-making, jollying around. Such a perfect day for my dear kitten to die. Now i know the ill consequence if i start to get close with something or someone. Ang giving them nicknames or pet name would always make it worse.
See, i have this really adorable orange kitten which i called Hitsugaya (i love Hitsugaya Toushirou, the ‘jyuuban ban taichou’ in Bleach)
See, i have 3 more kittens which i named Ichigo, Zaraki and Renji (but since none of them resemble the Bleach’s characters, i dont love them as much as i endeared Hitsugaya).
Then my cousin’s family came and accidentally kicked the poor fella. Then my BIG auntie came and STEPPED on it. Fucking funny huh. And that poor fella is as big as my palm and as light as a half of my Tropicana red cap. Hours later, the kitten couldnt move.
I dont know what to feel cuz i used to brag that i’m quite an ignoramus and if something bad happen, i’m the usually the one who could still maintain a straight face.
I wanted to cry so badly, but my rough side said heck, it’s just a kitten. So what, right.

I laid my hands on the kitten n prayed, hoping for some miracle, even for this Christmas. Thinking back that the Lord Jesus was born on this day in a manger, laying there hopelessly and so vulnerable. (yeah, i know Jesus was born somewhere in the middle of March till April actually. 25 Dec is actually the worship day of the Sun by some stupid ancient citizens). Then i thought, the situation was about the same as my dear Hitsugaya. Both were babies and so vulnerable. Even little things could result the babies to deaths. So maybe God would heal it. After all, its His creation anyway.
Or maybe He didnt listen to my prayer since the life or death of the kitten would not make any significant change to my life, so it doesnt matter if He take away its life right?

But then... nothing happened. I couldnt remember the last time i prayed so desperately hoping that He would miraculously give my dearest strength to give even a little meow. (I hate when i get so troubled over things like this. But what can I do. I sometimes value the lives of cats and human are of equal). All i saw was it laying there, couldnt even move a milimetre and opening n closing its little mouth, gasping for something. I remembered the day when my great grandma died in front of me. She gasped the same way too. But in the more creepy way.

You know my mind is in a turmoil right now by the disorganization of my blog. Cuz i’m just writing down what’s crossing my mind right now.

I wanted to change. To see things in God’s point of view, including the death of my Hitsugaya. Shit, i shouldnt cry for something like this. But I cried. And am still crying anyway. Feeling sorry for my own self, desperately building tall walls which surround me like a solid denial, wanting to cage away my own insecurities and uncertainties of life. I’m not sure whether God is answering my prayer. I’m so sad that our once so-close relationship has turned out to be like this. It’s my fault, I know, cuz it has never beeen Yours, to start off with.

I’m having a real hard time to deal with this alone because I cant find the right person to talk to. The JUST right person. A pastor maybe. Youth leader perhaps. God maybe. But I’m having a hard time listening to Him so might as well i chose the former two options.

I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CHANGE. Enough with the walls. The denial. The insecurities and uncertainties. The stupid ways I try to hold on to to temporarily forget the things that I’m going through, like flirting, for instance. Enough with the tough act. Enough with being ignorant.

I want to be more refined. More humble. More open in accepting my own feelings. More gentle. More rational and matured in thinking. More adapt to listen to His voice like I did 3 years ago. I want to see the good and positive side of people instead of gossiping behind their backs. I want to love people more. I want to be an optimist, keep relying on the truth that God indeed is omnipotent and omniscient. To be more skillful in handling things and my emotions.

I WANT TO BE THE BEST THAT GOD WANTS ME TO BE. Because to be better is SO not enough.
Okay. I feel better now. If God wants to take Hotsugaya’s life, so be it. He gives and take away anyway.

27.12.08
I was observing my big student bible which my parents gave me a couple of weeks after my water baptism year 2005. A smile was hinted on my lips when I see a lot of cute little animes i’ve drawn on the pages with quotations on top each one of them. It was my very first personal bible so heck, who cares what I did and do to it anyway.
If I have the power to turn back time, I would really want to go back to my form 4 life. The magical year for me, the turning point of my life. So a lot of inspirational words popped out (thanks to The Author).
The very first page of my bible - it was full of scribbles and collages of animes, Japanese and Korean artists. Hm... not so... biblical huh. Watever. So, these are what I’ve scribbled:
1. “Walk in proclamation of who Jesus is – Healer, Deliverer, Saviour... =)”;
2. “Jesus is the God of miracles! God uses unlikely people to fulfills divine destiny” – yeah, take Moses for instance. He was a murderer and yet he’s the one God chose to lead His people to the promised land.
3. “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) “We are called to believe and suffer”. – sounds... cool and ‘gaok’ huh? Haha
4. “I will shout Jesus’s fame!” – I love this one. So cool.
5. SIBKL THEME FOR 2007 – “Reproducing Christ’s DNA”
6. “Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves – Jesus”
7. “Since the day i left home I’ve carried my cross, running to the ends of earth for Jesus, I’ve shared in the sufferings of my Lord, proclaiming the gospel thru the eyes of tears, many times throught the wind and rain, tears have fallen down my cheeks, many things burden my heart but Jesus’s love keeps leading me, His love and grace encourage me, keeping me perfectly from day to day” – this is an excerpt that I took from Brother Yu’s testimony (i think) from this book. Forgot the title.
8. “revival looks like you and your story”
9. “I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker...? For i am the Lord your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar- the Lord Almighty is His Name. (Isaiah 51:12-16)” “Relax. God is in charge of everything” – But most of the time, I CANT relax at all. My bad. Hahaha
10. “God wants variable kinds of fish.” – sure u guys dont understand this. Well, we’re called to be fishers of men right. So its not godly to just love and care for your own clan or race or gang. That’s no different from the ancient tax collectors. Well, those who dont understand... xpala. Only those who read Bible understand. Ahahahha, true bha!
11. “Got Jesus? It would be hell without Him”. – This one by far is the coolest. Not that I said that the Bible’s phrases arent as important though. This phrase was printed on a T-shirt of a male camper when I was in a Youth camp at Kem Permai. The “Got Jesus?” was printed on the right sleeve with a palmprint printed at the bottom of it and “It would be hell without Him” printed at the back of the shirt. If I’m not mistaken. Hmm...

Well, a lot of other pages have collages on them cuma malas mok explain memanjang. But these are my favourite quotes:

1. It takes the storm to prove the rwla shelter.
2. Grace is free, but God has to pay for it.
3. Dont limit God by our own limitations.
4. If you’ve seen God’s holiness, faith is effortless.
5. Spend the night under the shadow of His wings. The darker it gets, the longer the shadow will covers you.

And there is this one beautiful piece of poem which a Singaporean sister wrote just after her mysterious death in the 1970-s. Got it from an old book.

“You said You’d come and share all my sorrows
You said You’d be there for all my tomorrows
I came so close to sending You away
But just like You promised
You came here to stay
I just have to pray

And Jesus said, “Come to the water
Stand by My side
I know You are thirsty
You wont be denied.
I felt every tear drop
When i darkness you cried
And i strove to remind you
That for those tears I died.”

Your goodness so great i cant understand
And dear Lord, i know that all this was planned.
I know You are here now and always will be.
Your love loosed my chains
And in You I am free
But why me?
Jesus, I give You my heart and my soul
I know now without God I’d never be whole
Saviour, You opened all the right doors
And i thank You and praise You
From this earth’s humble shores
Take me, I’m Yours.”

27.12.08

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FELLAS!!!!!!

Paul Harvey tells a modern parable about a religious skeptic who worked a s a farmer. One raw winter night the man heard an irregular thumping against the kitchen storm door. He went to a window and watched as tiny, shivering sparrows, attracted to the evident warmth inside, beat in vain against the glass.
Touched, the farmer bundled up and trudged through fresh snow to open the barn door for the struggling birds. He turned on the lights and tossed some hay in the corner. But the sparrows, which had scattered in all directions when he emerged from the house, hid in the darkness, afraid.
The man tried various tactics to get them into the barn. He laid down a trail of Saltine cracker crumbs to direct them. He tried circling behind the birds to drive them toward the barn. Nothing worked. He, a huge alien creature, had terrified them; the birds couldnt comprehend that he actually desired to help them.
The farmer withdrew to his house and watched the doomed sparrows through a window. As he stared, a thought hit: “If only i could become a bird – one of them – just for a moment. Then i wouldnt frighten them so. I could show them the way to warmth and safety.”
At the same moment, another thought dawned on him. He had grapsed the reason Jesus was born.

HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!